Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Thursday
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.