art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything