therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]