I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
looks legit
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
The devil.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…