Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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Blew out my flip flop…
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”