*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.