my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”