Oceanography is all about current events
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Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?