A French press is when you hug naked
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck