My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.