“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…