Guys, I found it.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.