I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind