All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe