this is the best day of my life
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
What’s so funny?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”