[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Huge”.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I thought this was funny lol