[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
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I can also cook 😂
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
me after eating Cheetos
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
the clam before the storm
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.