Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.