When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.