Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband