Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Oh my god
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Strangers have the best candy.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.