The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
How I’d get arrested…