Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.