Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
You Might Also Like
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.