Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
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I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
dude it’s called proctologist
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.