A short story of betrayal:
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
lmfao
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.