INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Breaking news:
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?