*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.