the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
i now pronounce you bounced.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The best shot in the history of golf
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT