“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids