friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher