Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
dogs can find happiness so easily
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.