I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: