If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me after drinking all the wine:
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.