i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
j o i m p
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower