Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
rapatouille
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?