If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
This anagram machine is out of order.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.