Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Shower sex be like:
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Good point.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
you gotta be faster
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.