Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]