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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
True
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.