Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m already scared
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
yea so i messed up lol
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids