Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.