Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
You Might Also Like
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no