BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.