Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling