My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*