INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
john wicks are toilet candles
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.