“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
You Might Also Like
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.