Oh, I bet you would be
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Um … Hot Wings please
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.