(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.